A stressful end to six months of hard work needed to be rewarded with a couple days off to relax. At first, traditional methods of relaxation were attempted at brief intervals; reading, playing a short video game, taking a walk, watching a movie, sleeping in an hour. These were met with complete failure and as a couple days turned into several days more creative measures were taken. With each successive attempt at relaxation, more time and creativity was applied to the task; sleeping til noon, Deadwood Season 1 (3rd time), a day-long video game, starting the day with booze, ending the day with coffee, teaching the dog to understand a complex set of hand signals, staying up all night, transplanting all the spider plants to teapots. These drastic approaches were met with less relaxation, more stress and a growing fear of the work being avoided. The experiment ended after two weeks, a failure, when the final attempts amounted to nothing more than slothfully lazing about in bored idleness, too listless to even decide on lunch. Work was resumed, but now with a fervor that had not existed before the experiment began; anything to avoid having to relax again.

I asked for Grace’s opinion about my explanation for the past two weeks of vacation. She said “it sounds like the final sentence of the passage should read ‘three days later I slit my wrists.’” She obviously didn’t see the humor in it or share my pride in successfully writing in the third person. I later pointed out that it might be the egg nog and that maybe watching Deadwood wasn’t such a good idea. This confusion is exactly how I feel about today’s sweater.

Today’s sweater is a tightly knit black  cardigan adorned with embroidered poinsettias and enough imitation pearl and other beads to clink when you walk. The pearls are connected by dotted lines of shiny beads that resemble the kinds of balls you’d dress a cake with. They are not edible. And how insightful of the manufacturer to sew ONE small bead on the inside of the cardigan in case you happen to lose ONE of the hundreds of beads on the outside. The complete package gives the impression of black graph paper crawling with flowered vines. While this is definitely a women’s sweater (maybe a math teacher’s) the buttons are on the right side. And it’s the buttons that really stop me. They, like most Christmas sweater cardigan sweater buttons are plastic with knit covering but on the front of these buttons are sewn seven shiny beads.  The buttonholes are clearly too small for the pearl adorned buttons. What I’d love to ask the previous owner of this sweater is, “were the beads sewn onto the buttons when you bought it or did you think that there just weren’t enough beads on the sweater to begin with?”

The film to pair with this bad creation and the primary passage of this post is Bad(der) Santa (Unrated Edition). For those who originally wrote off this film as filthy, depraved, and utterly despicable, you’re not wrong. But first and foremost, this is a Christmas Film which means that it is one of redemption, forgiveness and family. Just maybe not your family. But still, this is as close to an adult date film as you can get, with Billy Bob Thornton playing the rock bottom Santa thief and Gilmore Girls’ Lauren Graham playing the cute barmaid with a Santa fetish. It has held up well over the past couple years and is worth a second look.

One Comment

  1. ruthietwoshows

    I have been known to wear really whacked-out outfits in my time, but I have to say that while wearing said weird outfit, my confidence in pulling it off waxes and wanes during the day. But you, dude, just keep it up day after day wearing these hideous things. What stamina!

    Posted December 18, 2009 at 4:48 pm | Permalink

Post a Comment

Logged in as . Would you like to log out?

Your email is never shared. Required fields are marked *